Mansplaining Pence

At midnight I sit restless, bothered by a Facebook thread on a friend’s page. Let me say as I begin this half-drunken essay, I don’t know this friend well. I’d actually describe her more as an acquaintance, though I think she and her family are lovely. This is to say, I don’t know their personal lives well, and much of what I say below is as an outside observer.

I will refer to her as Betsy, since that’s not her name and I haven’t asked permission to post any of this publicly.

I assume in reaction to the recent news about Mike Pence’s strict marital rules, she said that she had just a business lunch alone today with a male employee, and managed to have a productive meeting without impure thoughts.

A number of us chimed in, my own comment perhaps not on the right line of tasteful:

I hope you got all the business taken care of post-coitus!

Then someone waded in who I will refer to as Coach, since that’s how others in the thread referred to him. Someone who I infer actually is, or was, a coach to some of these people, or perhaps their kids. In other words, someone who has a big influence over childrens’ lives.

Coach posted, in part:

Wow – Pence and Billy Graham are really offensive to you all? That’s a head shaker.

Okay, let’s put a pin on this one, Coach. I think it’s worth exploring what actually could be offensive about Pence’s rules, when we unpack their implications.

But Betsy spoke for herself better than I can:

Hey coach! My perspective here- as a leader including those you mention above or any other position of leadership) it’s my responsibility to treat my people with respect and value what they bring to the relationship. And therefore would not think of them as a possible physical attraction, but a valued equally contributing human being. To allow some people accessibility that I wouldn’t allow others because they are the opposite sex is in fact sexist and I think poor leadership. Limiting access because you think there may be potential temptation creates barriers/limitations for those you lead and reinforces sexist dynamics between men and women.


I am intrigued by all this limiting access nonsense.

Wait, what?

Coach, did you read what Betsy had to say? And you’re calling it nonsense??

She just got done explaining how she strives to value all humans as equally capable of contribution, and that limiting which genders are allowed to interact is a barrier and limitation.

Not only that, but this was in explanation to trying inform you on what the implication of Pence’s rules were to her. As a woman. And a leader.

Who started this whole thread informing you of a lunch meeting which was productive, yet violated those strictures. One which you seem to be arguing would be appropriate to disallow.

You just dismissed her informed, well-reasoned, articulate reasons as “limiting access nonsense”.

Coach went on:

Way too easy to throw out those neat little hot button terms.

Which hot button terms? Institutionalized sexism? Misogyny? No one said anything inflammatory.

I found it interesting to read through all the comments and thought it odd that this is at all worth bashing some good men over.

Bashing whom? Not a word was said bashing any man, that I saw!

Coach, I think you have some pretty thin skin.

So okay, I’m a little annoyed with this guy, but hey, it’s not my page. I’ll sit back and not stir the pot, since I already joked about Betsy and her employee fucking.

Betsy replied with:

Whoa Coach- I don’t call your thoughts/opinions nonsense. Maybe we should try this discussion another time.

The discussion continued a bit, with Coach defending Pence. And Betsy trying to explain why it was sexist, but still with deference and affection to Coach.

Well, myself, I have no affection for Coach. Nor do I feel deferential to him.

Coach, I don’t know you one tiny little bit, other than you are at least an acquaintance of an acquaintance.

Coach, I don’t know you, but I’ll bet you are not far from me in many ways. I am a white, middle aged, man, from a small midwest town.

Coach, I wish you would go back and re-read what Betsy said above. And think about the context of her meeting. And that if we accept your worldview, it means a lesser world for her.

Coach, I think we can both agree that we grew up in a male-dominated society. The twentieth century was one of patriarchy (as were most before). This is not controversial, one little bit, right?

Coach, let’s try to unpack a little bit the implications of just what has been said. You seem to be supporting the idea that it is acceptable, admirable even, that a man would have a rule against meeting, alone, any woman. I think this is a fair estimation, no?

Coach, please put these ideas together:

1 – We still live in a society where men have a greater than even split of power (men vs. women in the US Senate right now is 83 – 17).


2 – We set up rules where:

A – Men can meet with men freely.

B – Women can only meet with men in certain very strict circumstances.


1 + 2 == FUCK WOMEN

In other words, just as Betsy already articulated to you, this necessarily means that a woman’s accessibility to power is limited compared to a man’s.

Coach, your feelings may never change. However, I hope you have as much a sense of responsibility for the girls and young women you coach, as the boys and young men.

I don’t ask you to listen to me. I ask you to re-fucking-read what the women in that thread already told you.


You owe it to whomever you are coaching.


Observations on Fatherhood #22

Son #1: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Making ice.”

Son #1: “What’s the matter with the ice maker.”

Me: “It broke a while ago and I haven’t had a chance to look at it and see what’s wrong.”

Son #1: “You know you can call someone to come out and fix it.”

Me: […]


Emotional Labor and Men

This is a big document. It’s worth reading.

It’s a summary of a massive thread from MetaFilter about Emotional Labor.

What the fuck is EL (I didn’t know, either, a few days ago)? It’s the often unacknowledged work that goes into a relationship. And it’s work that’s not usually divided equally between the genders.

In my marriage I do think I did a pretty good job in many aspects around EL, but I also recognize that there was work that she did, that was valuable, that I never did.

Party planning (other than the food). Holiday cards (although I never bought in to this cultural norm, I recognize it has value). Even staying in touch with my family.

Men, it behooves your relationship well being to read and understand this thread. To appreciate and acknowledge. And to share the workload.

Women, I think if you haven’t read about this yet, you may have an a-ha moment when you think about your relationships and what has been silently expected of you your whole lives.


And here is an article about men, as they age, having problems maintaining their friendships.


These are related.

The Election

These are my ramblings today on The Election.

Winston Churchill, on democracy:

Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

True that, Winston.

But let us not forget his follow-up, also just as true:

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.


Weeks ago I read something that reassured me that I had the wisdom to know what was going to happen in this election. Not until deep into the evening last night did I really think it was possible, that this slow moving trainwreck was really happening.

That something was:

“There aren’t enough white men for Trump to win.”

Yes, we (white men) may be privileged, but we are still a minority gender. As of the last census, there are 5.2 million more women than men in the United States.

And when you look at the exit polls from the election, men did vote for Trump, as we expected:

Men 53T/41C
Women 54C/42T

Basically, there was a tie between the genders for each candidate. Not much of the other exit polling seems surprising to me, as I ponder the data tonight for the first time. The less educated vote was heavily Trump. The black vote was heavily Clinton.

The white vote was heavily Trump. Surprisingly heavily (58T/37C). But not too surprising, given you have both racism and sexism pulling in the same direction.

But then we come to this:

White Women 53T/43C

White women overwhelmingly voted for Trump! They favored him as much as men overall did.

White women did not want a white woman to be president!

White women either loved Trump, or hated Clinton, or both.

(All numbers above from here and here)


Trump does represent this country of ‘MERICA. He better represents us than Clinton does.

Consider: We are, as a country, racist (even minorities), sexist (even women), are hot-headed, and we believe we’ll eventually be rich, and vote as if we are.

We are not, as a country, smart, well educated, skeptical, or able to appreciate nuance.

Enough people are willing to believe the lies. In other words, Trump has no restrictions on him, no one he had to please. He was able to promise everything to everyone, from the wall to beating ISIS to “I’m good at business”. With literally nothing stopping him from promising anything he wanted, with his ability to believe his own lies, with the general lack of skepticism and critical thinking from the citizens, his ascent now seems almost inevitable.

We are Trump.

Trump is us.

We are a bunch of idiot mouth breaking yokels, and there’s no way an elite, hard-working, educated, smart, woman represents us better than a fake-tan sexist loud mouthed stubborn dumb sonfabitch reality TV star who managed to luck into a sweet life.

Come on, America is not anything like Hillary Clinton.

America is a lot like Donald Fucking Trump!


Trump tapped into a vast reservoir of dissatisfaction with the political elite. I share that dissatisfaction.

It was only through a failing of the incumbent political machines that allowed Trump to enter the national political stage. The Republican machine could not stop him, and then neither could the Democratic machine once he was nominated. None of the political elites wanted him.

But the people did. This was the ultimate protest vote. The people saw it not just as the usual “lesser of two evils” between people, between candidates… the people framed this as a “lesser of two evils” between the existing political machinery, and anything else.


Did anyone ever think they’d ever look fondly back on the days of George W. Bush as president?

I’m not there yet, but it suddenly seems possible.


We can only do what we can do.

I am an upper-middle-class white man. I am considered a liberal by many outside of Madison and a libertarian or conservative by many inside Madison. I am no bleeding heart. But I am a believer in equality and justice. For all.

My women friends, I support you. I will not stand for sexism.

My gay friends, my trans friends, I support you. I will not stand for your oppression.

My friends of color, I support you. I do not support racism.

I don’t know what’s coming in the next four years, but whatever does, I am your ally.

Here is something I can do. As a middle aged white male, I am privy to a world you don’t know. A world in which people are MUCH more likely to think it’s okay to say something casually racist, or sexist, or homophobic, and expect me to nod in agreement. “Locker room talk”.

It will not, ever, go unchallenged in my presence. I am your voice where you may not have one.

The Bet

I bet a friend weeks ago that Trump would win, and he gave me 5-1 on my $20.

I never wanted to win that bet. I thought that by placing it I would at least have gotten something out of Trump winning. A salve.

I must do something with that money. The ACLU? Planned Parenthood? Rape crisis center?

I should probably do one of those things. Instead my browser search history today now includes “cheap bulk dildos”.

I would really like to send someone a bag of dicks.


I am still a patriot. I believe in this American experiment.

I liken it to science.

People expect it to not get it wrong, ever. Perfection. But science makes mistakes. America makes mistakes. People make mistakes.

People expect America to do the right thing, and people often expect that science should have the right answer. Neither is always true. Science is often wrong. America is often wrong. You don’t have to look very far back in history to see the truth of what I am saying about either.

But what is great about both… what is great about the scientific method, the progress of science… what is great about America… is not that we are getting it right at any particular moment, but that we can step back and look to see an inexorable progress towards truth and justice.

Just as America institutionalized slavery, just as science said eugenics or bloodletting was the correct policy or healthiest treatment, we got it wrong. But in both cases, as time goes on, we progress towards our better selves.

Today was a hard day for those of us who believe in equality and justice. But let us not lose sight of the fact that we have slipped, that we have fallen… we have STILL climbed so far!

Two years ago it was illegal for gay people to marry in Wisconsin.

Nine years ago it was inconceivable that a black man could be president.

Twenty-five years ago I thought not a single negative thought about using the words faggot or nigger as a pejorative.

A hundred years ago women could not vote.

It was only 153 years ago that the Emancipation Proclamation finally made clear the path this great country would take in freeing those unjustly shackled.

Change comes slowly. Then it comes quickly.

We slip. We fall. But we still are walking in the right direction.

Ask yourself. Would you want to live in a previous time? A different country? When? Where? When and where would have been better? This is still a great time and great place to be alive, to exist. We are lucky.

Today. Tomorrow.

I still got food on the table. I still dealt with emergencies at work. I still went to my kid’s teacher conference. I still collaborated with my soon-to-be-ex-wife on getting the kid’s library books back to her (I’ll drop them in the morning).

Life moves on.

One foot in front of the other.

Love the ones you love.

Do what you can do. Don’t worry about what you can not affect.

Keep being awesome.

Birthday Musings

(Originally posted on Faceybookey; pasting here for posterity)

Thank you all, new friends and old, for your birthday wishes. It’s been one hell of a year.

Most of you have probably heard me say it before, and I say it jokingly, but I also vehemently believe it… getting old is better than the alternative.

This past year has been something like I’ve never experienced before. The good, the bad, the ugly… but also the beautiful. Many of you know the nitty gritty details, some may have some idea. (I don’t mean to be coy, but it’s not quite the right time yet to be fully public about all of it, even if my instinct now is to be an open book.)

I’ve had a hard fucking year, in many ways.

I’ve loved and had my heart broken. In many ways.

I’ve learned so much about myself and what I’m capable of. I’ve learned to articulate what my own needs are in a way I’ve never done so before. I’ve learned to communicate on a level I’ve never done so before.

I’m a better person than I was a year ago.

I’ve given myself over to living a radically honest life. I am striving to be my true honest self.

I’ve learned to never waste a day. Life is short. Life is long.

I’ve discovered the practice of Stoicism (FB group here

In some dark times months ago, I discovered this ancient Greco-Roman practical philosophy, and it has helped me immensely. Sad things happen in all of our lives. If we pin our happiness to actions outside of ourselves, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of suffering. We can only change ourselves, not other people.

Learning to realize what is under our own control, and what is not, and learning to not be sad or angry about the things that are out of our control… this is a useful skill that Stoicism teaches. What is important is not the end result, but that we did the most virtuous thing in response to whatever fate sends our way.

I am immensely grateful for my friends, and my family. I am strong. I feel stronger than I have ever felt. But knowing there are many out there who offer me unwavering support, it does make things easier. It fills me with gratitude. I love you.

I am happy! I am grateful. It’s been a great life, and I am thankful for it. I am thankful I got to spend another year spinning around on this wet rock hurtling through space. That any of us gets to spend a moment enjoying consciousness is something we should all be thankful for. How amazing is it we get to be alive, but not just that… to KNOW we are alive in a way that (probably) an ant or a mouse, or even a cat or a dog doesn’t get to contemplate.

We could all dwell on the negative. We could think about how we’ve been wronged or how we could be richer or more handsome or more popular. Or we can choose to be thankful for what we do have. I am.

I choose to embrace the love in my heart.

And I look forward to struggling through figuring out how to live another year hurtling through space on this wonderful wet rock we all call home.

From Phish’s Blaze On (
And then one day you find to your intense delight,
That three wrong turns can really make a right.
So why not be like me? Be proud of all your crimes,
‘cause when I screw up once, I do it two more times!

Thank you!



My latest iOS app was just approved and is now available in the app store.

The gist of it is that your iPhone can point your way back to a particular spot on our planet.

It’s pretty amazing the technology we carry in our pockets every day. Even for an IT geek and technophile since I was a kid, who is inured to the relentless march of miniaturization and power, it amazes me.

Your phone, if outside and given a few seconds to lock GPS, can tell you your exact location on the planet within (as of this post) about five meters. Sixteen feet. So, inspired somewhat by this, I started by noodling around with the Apple API to access location data on the phone, and this app popped out.

I think it’s pretty cool. I used some iOS7-only API, such as SpriteKit. I tried to embrace the iOS7 design aesthetic. The exception is the rather anachronistic pointing hand… which, it turns out, actually has a name, I learned this past week. A manicule. I had no idea.

Anyway, there it is. DudeWhere?

I hope you find it useful.

Not Another War, Please


“When I first saw the president speak in 2008 in a youtube clip posted to my Facebook page, I knew that he was going to be right all the time. So I support World War III. And IV. And any Moon War the president may want to start.”

The entire mainstream media seems to be of the mind that the United States is, and should be, the world police. Furthermore, they seem to be of the mind that if we don’t retaliate, we are going to lose our status as such. Why is being the world’s police force considered an admirable place for our country?

Yes, it’s awful that Assad is gassing his own people. How are some cruise missiles going to help? What is the plausible scenario in which bombing actually improves the situation for anyone?

It’s not like in Kosovo, where the UN (note that, UN, not US) bombings actually were to try and stop an ongoing genocide. In this case, the genocide has already occurred. And we explicitly can’t target the actual problem, the chemical weapons themselves, due to the risk of releasing them to cause more death. So all this would be is retaliation, punishment.

No, we should not be the world police, or judge, or jury, or executioner.

Syria’s a terrible mess. Bombs won’t help.

Three Cheers for MUFA’s Swiss System


I’ve captained a team, DiscGrace, in the MUFA summer league, since 2001.

The summer league is an ultimate frisbee league where you sign up as a team based on your team strength, ranging from competitive down to recreational (with many divisions thereof).

One of the historical problems with the league has been the fact that even within a given division, skill levels can vary a lot, since the team strength is all based on self-rating. This often results in blowouts… and blowouts are something you rarely have fun playing in, no matter which side of it you’re on.

As of the 2012 season, MUFA combined the B and C rec leagues and implemented a swiss system*. In 2012, there were 54 teams the swiss division, and this year, there were 72. The idea of a swiss system is that you pair up teams with similar records, so as the schedule progresses, teams are paired against others of a similar strength.

In 2012, the season was severely truncated by a drought; the city closed fields for a large part of the season to prevent damage to the turf. Because of that, it was hard to get a good idea of how well the swiss system worked.

This year, however, just finished up, and my team played 17 regular season games, plus a couple in the post-season. The season started with a number of blowouts each way in our games. By mid-season, however, the swiss really game into its own. Nearly all of our games after midway could easily have gone either way, with many coming down to the final minutes.

Likewise, when we went into the playoffs, the swiss was divided into sections based on our regular season results. DiscGrace was seeded last (16th) in Swiss Chocolate, the 4th group, and we played against the top seed. We were expected to lose, and we did, but it was still a damn close game (9-10 as I recall).UncleDiscGrace

This is why I play… to have fun, competitive game, not to win. I think that’s true of the vast majority of those of us in the swiss system, and I wanted to publicly say how great I thought it was and say thank you to MUFA for implementing it.

So, three cheers for MUFA, and the swiss! Thank you!

You all do a great job, supporting what is now a vast number of people in the league. It’s an all-volunteer organization and probably mostly thankless (I’m sure they hear many more complaints than thanks).

I suspect (but don’t know as I’ve not spoken to him about it in years) that Matt Merrill**, the current MUFA vice president, is the brainchild and architect of the MUFA swiss implementation. Kudos to you, especially, Matt!

* – I actually argued for implementing a swiss years ago, but this was long before smartphones and ubiquitous internet… and the swiss depends upon quick reporting of game results, so it wasn’t as practical then.

** – Fun fact… I knew Matt waaay back in the late 80’s when we were both avid tournament chess players. I am/was a relative patzer, though, while Matt actually achieved expert rating. The reason I was even familiar with the swiss system was because this is how nearly all chess tournaments work. If you have a weekend to play, typically 5 games, it’s the best way to come up with a clear winner with a field of 100 or so players.

As part of the swiss, MUFA also implemented a “performance rating”, which from appearances appears to be an implementation of the Elo system, the method used by the USCF (in the US) and FIDE (internationally) to rate chess players. Last fun fact… Arpad Elo invented this system. He was born in Austria, but moved to Wisconsin when he was 10, and won the Wisconsin state championship eight times.